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| 03:02pm 01/08/2004 |
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This journal is more or less friends-only these days. Leave a comment if you want in. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| I'm still around |
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| 01:34am 08/07/2004 |
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There is a rule in baseball stipulating that you cannot get down on your hands and knees and blow a ball foul. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| 11:18am 02/06/2004 |
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Sometimes things are just so good that it all hits you at once, all the little things and the big things forming a silent backdrop for a moment of awe. It's finally sunny the way a good summer day should be. I am eating an incredible sandwich with fresh-made hummus on this kaiser roll like you wouldn't believe. Counting Crows cry down to me from the stereo upstairs and they are striking all the right chords to make my knees weak, almost. Soon I leave to run an errand. The destination doesn't matter, really, only that I'm about to be driving down the freeway grooving to great music with the wind blowing and me singing over it all. Afterwards I'll settle into a comfy chair with a cold drink and Thoreau's Walden, which I am GETTING PAID TO READ. That right there, my friends, is the definition of content. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Weekend, Part II |
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| 07:20pm 11/04/2004 |
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I went to a Modest Mouse concert last night, which was incredible; the only concert I have been more pleased with was Radiohead. Those being my two favorite bands, I can die happy now. During the concert I was pushed forcefully into a girl, whom I almost knocked over. I apologized, and we talked off and on through the rest of the show. She was clearly attracted to and increasingly interested in me. We talked about music and such, and I found her fascinating and a cool person (not to mention cute). We parted at the end of the night with semi-knowing smiles. The point is that given the right context and more time, any similar interaction could turn into the romantic relationship I have been alternately trying not to think about and fervently searching for. I've always believed that sort of thing can happen unexpectedly and quite suddenly, and now I have all the more reason to hope for that. New places, new faces, and a new routine have made me feel so much better about myself and about life. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| I'm just trying to maintain a little... |
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| 08:40pm 06/04/2004 |
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I think I've completely forgotten what is important to me and why. Have you ever gotten to a point where the best you can do is clutch onto what you remember being important to you in the past? I know when I do something I enjoy, but I have no way to rank those things--where are my priorities?
Bob: I'm completely lost.
Lydia: Should I be worrying about you, Bob?
Bob: Only if you want to. |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| Update |
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| 11:52pm 28/03/2004 |
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For the record, New Orleans was amazing. The music, food, people, and architecture were all wonderful. I would like to live in that city at some point.
You know how sometimes more happens in a short amount of time than you can keep up with? It takes time to process experiences, so you have not processed yet what has happened to you. I know I've changed these last two weeks, but I couldn't say how. I feel different. I have a strong desire to figure out my priorities and truly stick to them. If only I could shake this static in my head. |
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| 01:13am 18/03/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: Sigur Ros
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I've been through so many emotions in the last few days, so many paradigm shifts, that it has become impossible to recount or even remember each discrete stage. I can only make a list of actions and accompany it with thoughts I have.
Actions: I finished midterms and came home for spring break. I visited Brian in the hospital. I read a lot and caught up on sleep. I had a quiet birthday at home with my family, and some good friends came over.
Thoughts: -It is easy to spend your life. If you want to be spending it on something valuable, you have to figure out what is valuable to you and how to do it.
-If you are not attracted so someone (i.e. if you don't feel that "something extra" that makes you want to be more than friends with that person), there is a reason for it. If everything about that person were actually perfect for you, you would feel that attraction. You might be lying to yourself if you say otherwise (maybe he/she just isn't attractive enough, or intelligent enough, or * enough).
-It is a good thing to be in love. I am tired of not being there, but I am more tired of trying too hard. I give up. The Greeks said that emotion, including love, is an external force over which you have no control. I agree.
The book I have been reading is Narcissus and Goldmund, by Herman Hesse. It is amazing.
"Any life expands and flowers only through division and contradiction. What are reason and sobriety without the knowledge of intoxication? What is sensuality without death standing behind it? What is love without the enmity of the sexes?" |
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| 07:37pm 11/03/2004 |
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I found out today that I received a research grant for this summer. Instead of mopping the storefront of k-mart, I will be researching environmental ethics and discussing Adam Smith's moral philosophy with an awesome philosophy professor. I honestly can't remember the last time I was this excited! If I can just get through midterms, I'll be set. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| workin' on a paper |
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| 01:54am 11/03/2004 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: Godspeed You Black Emperor!
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"A perfect solitude is, perhaps, the greatest punishment we can suffer. Every pleasure languishes when enjoy'd apart from company, and every pain becomes more cruel and intolerable...[for a given man, let] the earth furnish spontaneously whatever may be useful to him: He will still be miserable, till you give him some one person at least, with whom he may share his happiness, and whose esteem and friendship he can enjoy."
-Hume's Treatise of Human Nature |
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| 12:53pm 22/02/2004 |
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I watched Lost In Translation again last night. Everyone I've talked to has had very different reactions to it. Some say it is depressing, others say it makes them appreciate the small things in life. I thought it was simply perfect. A finely-crafted day in the life. I couldn't do it justice with my meager attempt at verbosity or eloquence, and besides, my own review might not be helpful to anyone if he or she doesn't see it the same way (which appears likely). The most I can hope to provide is insight into why I connected to it so deeply, and even there I am lost for words. I told a friend last night that the more he understood Bill Murray's character, the more he understood me.
On a seperate note, this same friend claimed that a "star-cross'd lovers" situation is not preferable to, and is in fact more tragic than unrequited love. I think the former makes for a better tragic story, but the latter is more horrifically tragic for the person in love. Your opinions? |
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| 03:57pm 15/02/2004 |
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mood:  drained
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He has the usual dream: flying high above the world on a sunny autumn day. He sees below him a park and large trees with falling golden leaves. He sees two people far below, a man and a woman. Is that him? He sees himself and the woman run and embrace each other. They laugh and caress each other's faces. And then it dawns on him that this isn't right, this isn't real.
Awake.
He opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings.
Consciousness and comprehension are like two ends of an elastic cord. The human mind is built to see patterns, to make sense of the world. In sleep consciousness and comprehension are pulled apart.
When consciousness is regained reality comes rushing back and comprehension snaps into him with more force than a bullet.
He weeps into his pillow. A new day has dawned. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Happy Singles' Awareness Day (SAD) |
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| 01:01am 14/02/2004 |
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mood: Dead/exhausted music: Postal Service - Give Up
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And as quickly as that, the love interest has vanished. Funny how often people aren't what they seem. Another funny thing is the way I've always argued with Brian about finding true love. He claims it's completely uncertain and he lives in fear that he will never find someone he loves completely who will truly love him back. I've always told others and believed thoroughly that there is no question really, that given the odds every person who isn't a total wreck will find their complement. Lately, though, I'm starting to wonder if he isn't right. How many people have I loved passionately and unreservedly? Two, three? And how many have returned that love in a similar way? One, I think. The point of this isn't self-pity or a lack of hope (I know I'm not even two decades old; there's lots of time). It's just that I'm starting to believe that what I'm looking for is by no means guaranteed, and I suddenly understand the utter aversion Brian has to the idea of "settling". It is all too easy to say that something is good enough, and something inside me screams against that horrible mockery of potential. |
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| Dear [girl's name] |
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| 05:34pm 08/02/2004 |
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Thanks for going out for coffee with me the other night. Sometimes, when people are talking about things that matter to them, the conversation takes on a life of its own and time disappears entirely. That's how we easily believed it was an hour earlier than it was. I enjoy your honesty and that I can be so open with you. It's not often that I click with someone in that way, and I don't want to let you slip back into a busy life that doesn't include me. Let's see each other again this week. I'm happy to go on your terms.
-Matt |
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| 03:36pm 30/01/2004 |
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mood:  silly music: Stereolab - Emperor Tomato Ketchup
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I just had a meeting with the "band" I am a part of. Here's the ridiculous part: One guy is a pianist in the top jazz band here, the other two (guitarist/drummer) have both been playing a long time and have been in other groups. Me, I've never so much as held a bass. This may be the silliest venture I've ever embarked upon. We haven't decided on a name yet; they want to be Catch 23, I like my idea: The Drips. I'm glad I can laugh at myself because now I have constant entertainment. |
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| 02:32am 17/01/2004 |
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music: Yo La Tengo - And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
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More and more I see a mentality I have a tough time naming, exactly. It is a sort of wanderlust. You can see it in fans of Fight Club or Into the Wild. It is accompanied by a fear and hatred of boredom, but more than just that, a loathing of stagnancy. Thom Yorke sings in The Bends, "I wish it was the 60s, I wish we could be happy, I wish, I wish, I wish that something would HAPPEN". An ex of mine had it so fierce that she would twitch if anyone so much as mentioned the word "marraige". This may sound derogatory but I can't argue against it because, at times, I feel it too. But I'm sitting on the fence. It seems that for every day I feel trapped I have 6 where I feel excited and content. It's possible that I'm still changing, still gathering unrest. So be it, I welcome any challenge. I just hope I don't end up confusing stability with stagnance. You can be content without being bored.
Do I want to end up in a coul-de-sac with a college sweetheart, a 9 to 5 job, and 2.5 kids? Hell, I don't even know what I'll want for breakfast tomorrow. |
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| message to Emily |
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| 09:11pm 15/01/2004 |
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Hey, I tried calling you with no luck tonight, and I figure there's a greater likelihood of you checking livejournal than e-mail. I just wanted to hear your plans for the rest of break. When are you going back up? Are you driving your own car? If you still want to come check out Tacoma, I'm here just chillin'. Oh, a band I like called Phantom Planet is playing a free show Friday night (tomorrow) at EZ Street Records on Mercer St. in Seattle. I was thinking of going to that. I got so much music this break that my teeth chatter with excitement every time I see my new headphones. Hope you're having the time of your life. |
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| 12:58pm 13/01/2004 |
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Dear Mr. Drouhard,
Hello! I'm Rob Gorman's daughter Kathleen. If Matt would like to go
out for some jazz, I could recommend some places. I don't know what I'm
doing during those dates in March, but my friends and I might be able to
join him if he likes. Who knows!
Sincerely,
Kathleen Gorman
So it sounds like my trip to New Orleans is becoming a reality, and I've even got a female jazz fan to show me the sights! |
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| 11:21pm 12/01/2004 |
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Today when I woke up at 1:00 I realized I had slept for 20 out of the previous 24 hours. I've been dreaming more than I've been living in reality.
I'm a journalist out in the field, covering WWII. I am with the 10Xth Infantry and we are storming a mountain--it's the last stronghold of the enemy! As we begin the climb with bullets whizzing overhead, everything fades. I wake up in bed with a girl I have secretly been in love with. The memory of the last 2 days has been erased from my memory. The girl kisses me and I remember that her lover was shot in the charge up the mountain. I feel a surge of...is this relief? Surprised happiness that I sink into like the feather bed I am actually sinking into.
When I get back to school I am going to try to get a squirrel to eat out of my hand. |
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collegebum's journal